Fertility Wellness Group has been participating in a Father’s Day Bounce Around Blog event this week, run by Lori Shandle-Fox @ Laughing Is Conceivable. The blog below was featured on her site. For other stories to help teach and inspire women and men struggling with infertility this Father’s Day, check out the link to Ms. Shandle-Fox’s website.
By Diana Palmentiero & Lenore Pranzo
Does anyone really think about the men? I mean, it’s not like they are going to carry the baby around for 9 months when a couple finally does conceive. Even on the day the baby is born, most people ask how the mother and baby are doing. Does anyone ask, “How is the daddy doing?” Be honest, not really.
However, it does sound selfish not to think of the men when a couple is having fertility struggles. He’s not just a sperm donor. So I decided to ask my own husband how he felt while we were having fertility struggles, especially around Father’s Day. We were lucky in that he only went through one Father’s Day as part of a couple that was not able to have a baby. At that point, his sister was 8 months pregnant with the first grandchild in the family. It was totally unexpected. As the oldest child and the first sibling in his family to be married, everyone expected us to have the first grandchild. So it wouldn’t have been surprising if he was having difficulties that Father’s Day. He told me it was okay because, except for fertility issues, life was good for us. We had jobs, owned our own home and were getting ready for a vacation trip to Turks and Caicos. So I wondered, how did he cope with everything? His way was to avoid thinking about his feelings. He agreed that there probably could have been a better way. However, he did say that he mostly tried to focus on me. Was he affected by all the annoying questions, especially from family members who were trying to understand why his wife wasn’t pregnant yet? He said that he tried to shelter me from all the questions. Was there a way to feel less helpless in the fertility journey? He didn’t think so. He felt that men, including him, feel helpless because they can’t help their wives.
Women, one piece of advice from my own experience, is that I should have listened to my husband. We went through a couple of miscarriages before our daughter was born and again, before our son was born. His advice was simple. The body knows what it is doing. The babies that were not making it were not healthy babies. The body simply rejected them. And the two that did become our daughter and son are healthy, beautiful children. Years later, I learned that. If only I had listened back then. (And boy, do I hate that this will be in writing for him to see.) I think this simple, straightforward thinking was probably what got him through the fertility struggles. If I had listened, it would have made my fertility struggle a little less painful. But things happen for a reason. Maybe it took me longer to realize so that I could write this article and share it with everyone that reads it. So I hope that this Father’s Day your fertility struggle may become a little less painful, whether you are trying to become a mother or a father.
Great advice, Diana. And thanks again for being so honest and open about your history. Now I (Lenore here) have some helpful advice for the men reading this to help them through. When we started writing this piece we asked our husbands to think back to when we were struggling to get and stay pregnant and answer these questions:
- How did you cope?
- Could you have coped better then you did?
- Did you really need support especially around Father’s day?
- Were you affected by all the annoying questions?
- How could you have felt less helpless in the journey?
The answers we got were, basically they just felt helpless most of the time and frustrated with the process and what it did to us, their wives. Men tend to want to problem solve and don’t usually get as caught up in the process as women. Yet, they are affected by their partner’s pain. Let’s see if we can help minimize that helplessness and frustration for the men.
Ok, I am now writing for the guys out there. You can do this by asking your partner what they need. This will enable you to support your partner the way they need to be supported. This will cut back on the frustration of not knowing what to say or do. The timing, however, is tremendously critical. Asking your partner what they need when they are in the middle of a crazy IVF cycle will blow up in your face. Doing it before a cycle or on a break is ideal! Sit down with your partner and tell them that you love them and want to help them. Ask questions like:
- What part of the cycle is hardest for you?
- What helps when you are feeling bad?
- What can I do more or less of during that highly stressful time?
- What words trigger your emotions the most that I shouldn’t say?
- Is there anyone in my family or yours that you would like me to let know that it is time to back off (in a nice way, of course)?
- Is there a time when you feel I am not listening to you? And what do I say or do that makes you think this?
- When should we reconnect and go over our thoughts and concerns again? A month, two months?
- When should we get more support from a therapist or group? When this plan doesn’t work? When I see you in too much pain and unable to function in daily activities?
Write down her answers as this shows an amazing amount of concern and commitment. Post it on the refrigerator or wherever you will see it easily when you need it. Change the “plan” as things don’t work. This “plan” will alleviate stress for you and your partner. Don’t let another cycle go by where you and your partner are barely able to talk without arguing. Try not to get caught in that helplessness and share the process with your partner. Working together now will make you great partners when you expand your family.
Diana Palmentiero is a Certified Wellness Coach and a co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group. Lenore Pranzo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group. Their on-line fertility enhancing workshops help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles which will eventually lead to positive endings. You can learn more about them at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com
Fertility Wellness Group, LLC 