Turn hibernation into rejuvenation!

By Lenore Pranzo

I was thinking about hibernation recently with the cold temperatures here in the U.S. Northeast.  It made me think of how easy it is to block off the world during the winter.  Why not?  It gets dark so early, the day is over at 5:00, right?  For those experiencing infertility this could be helpful.  You can take that need to hunker down and use it to renew, restore and rejuvenate your mind, body and spirit.  I want to apologize to all those in the Southern hemisphere and in warm climates.  This need to hibernate may not be as strong for you as the days are warm, however, my suggestions will be helpful if you need a little tiramisu (“pick me up” for those unfamiliar with the meaning of the name of that decadent dessert).  Here are a few ideas:

Create a small winter goal.  To do this you might need time and space.  Give yourself 5-10 minutes to reflect on the year and get an idea of what you might still want to do.  Brainstorm or use a meditation to clear your mind and envision what you see yourself doing over the next three months.  Go to the meditations page on our website for a generic meditation (www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com/meditations).  Remember to think of something that really feeds your soul or nourishes your body.  These examples may not fit with you and your goals, however, you’ll get the idea.

Here are a few examples:

• What is all this fuss about Buddhism?  Maybe I could take some time to learn about it and then apply the learning.
• This winter will be about me.  I will learn how to say “no” more often.
• I haven’t sketched in months.  I will buy new art supplies and spend the winter revitalizing my artistic side.
• I will create a reading list that does not include a single fertility book!  The theme will be travel, romance, or mysteries.
• I will reduce my sugar intake one teaspoon at a time.  I will list all the ways I consume sugar and create a weekly plan.
• I will increase my plant-based meals to 2x a week.

Tease out how to make this goal or goals happen.  This is often the hardest part.  Who hasn’t set the same New Year’s resolution year after year?  Okay, I just put my hand up.  It comes down to breaking the goal into smaller parts and anticipating any barriers.  Let’s take the “I will increase my plant-based meals to 2x a week” example and break it down this way:

• Find a plant-based cookbook or website
• Tag all the interesting recipes
• Put them in the calendar through the winter
• Research local farms with winter product or a winter farmer’s market
• Make the shopping fun by discussing my goal with vendors, take note of any advice
• After a month of trying this I will see if there are any recipes I would like to repeat
• What might get in the way? How will I deal with this?
• Who might get in the way or not be helpful?  How can I explain it to them that this is what I need right now?

Now make it happen!  Tell as many people as you wish about what you will be doing.  This makes it real.  It also gets you really excited to report your progress.  Or you can keep it to yourself and pat yourself on the back at night for fulfilling your needs.  Meditate daily or every few days with the vision of your mind, body and soul getting nourishment from the successful implementation of your plan.  When spring arrives you will be pleasantly surprised at how much you accomplished.  You might find that you are thinking about infertility a little less.  You might also find yourself not needing that New Year’s resolution as you will be on your way to completing it.

Lenore Pranzo is a CT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Hypnotherapist, and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group, LLC. Fertility Wellness Group, LLC offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops and private coaching sessions that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles, which will lead to positive endings. You can learn more about Lenore and Fertility Wellness Group, LLC at http://www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com.

What If Birth Control Pills Are Really Anti-Fertility Pills? Part I

By Diana Palmentiero

Recently, I was with a former college roommate of mine.  I was telling her about Fertility Wellness Group, LLC and she asked if we had posted an article about endometriosis.  It was something that she suffered from.  I said no and realized that it probably would be a good idea.  Honestly, all I know about endometriosis comes from my friend.

In my friend’s case, she would have horribly, painful cramps (a/k/a pelvic pain) during her menstrual cycles.  Her gynecologist told her to go on the Pill and then her symptoms would magically disappear.  However, my friend was raised as a strict Catholic.  There was no way she was going on the Pill.  What would the nuns from grammar school and high school say?  As a naïve 20-something, I didn’t understand why she didn’t just listen to the doctor.  Who wanted to suffer with those awful cramps?  I remember thinking, “Just take the pill.”

Here is what she told me about her endometriosis.  After she got married and informed her doctor that she and her husband wanted to start trying to have children, he handed her a pamphlet.  This pamphlet was about how endometriosis could cause infertility.   He told her to start trying right away because it could take awhile.  They took his advice and lost no time trying to conceive.  Her first daughter was conceived the 1^st month they tried and her 2^nd daughter was conceived the 2^nd month they tried.  She told me that she believed by not taking the Pill, her fertility was saved.

Yes, this is just one example but what if it is not a coincidence?  What if women who have been told to take the Pill to relieve menstrual cramps, did what my friend did and refused to take the Pill?   What if the doctor spent a little more time trying to figure out why a woman was having such bad pelvic pain?  And, what if, instead of giving a woman a pill to mask the pelvic pain, the doctors tried to find something to help with the problem.  And in fixing the problem, perhaps later there wouldn’t be the bigger “infertility” problem.

Lenore and I have discussed recently, “if we only knew then, what we know now.”   So, now we are trying to come up with ways to educate young women in their childbearing years, but are not ready to be pregnant, on how to prepare their bodies for conception.  One thought has been to educate, educate, educate (okay, that is three but you get the point).  On our Facebook page, we have posted articles on how to prevent infertility and prepare the body for conception.  On our blog, we will be writing more articles addressing this idea of preparing for conception.

What about you?  Do you have any thoughts on something that you shouldn’t have done in those childbearing years, before you were ready for kids?  How could you have saved your fertility?  We would love to hear from you to continue the discussion.  And come back tomorrow for Part II of What If Birth Control Pills Are Really Anti-Fertility Pills?   Read about Lenore’s own experience with the Pill a/k/a the Anti-Fertility Pill.

Diana Palmentiero is a Certified Wellness Coach and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group, LLC. Fertility Wellness Group, LLC offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops and private coaching sessions that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles, which will lead to positive endings. You can learn more about Diana and Fertility Wellness Group, LLC at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com.

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The mind body connection and fertility

Written by Lenore Pranzo

I totally believe in meditation and guided imagery, in helping people quiet the mind and calm the body. I use it with my private clients to help them decrease their anxiety and/or depression which permeates through their day more than they want. We practice guided meditations in person, in session. We also use it for ways to vision what my clients want the future to look like. When I heard about Circle + Bloom’s mind-body fertility program, I was totally intrigued. As a disclaimer, I am not being paid to write a review. I wanted to do this and they were lovely enough to send me copies of two programs.

The first one I tried was the Energy for Empowerment Program. It was fantastic. I will use it for a long time. It helped me relax and easily fall asleep. Joanne Verkuilen, creator and founder of Circle + Bloom, narrated. A good guide is one who can calmly talk you through the noise in your head and help you settle into a nice, gentle, and relaxed state. Joanne did that with a voice that was strong and calm, at the same time. She had me wanting to melt into my surroundings. I find guided meditation an easy way to add meditation to your routine, without the stress of trying to guide your mind. It also helps to relax, without personal judgment.

Happy Mind, Healthy Body, which is a 21-day program, had me picture a goal. The program has you  listen to one 20 minute meditation for 5 days during a week.  There are 4 meditations and one bonus one for immunity that you can listen to whenever you feel you need a boost.  Once I pictured a goal in the first week’s meditation, I had to picture it as either a pleasant goal or one that would be painful to obtain. This led me to a longstanding goal of mine, losing weight. I am sure it is the goal of many people. One way for me to reach this goal would be to add exercise back in my life. I just haven’t been able to stick with it lately. The excuses were plentiful. Since starting Circle + Bloom’s program, I have been able to realize that I should find a mode of exercise that is pleasant, and not a chore. Something that doesn’t require too much time and have me running around trying to fit all the other things I need to do in my day. Therefore, I have a goal of smaller time increment workouts that will easily fit into my day. This is something I can stick to and not worry about. I am still working through completely obtaining this goal and hope to have it sorted in the next month, with the help of Joanne’s melodic voice. Meeting goals takes time and breaking them down into smaller objectives makes anything manageable.

What I believe a mind-body program can do for everyone, especially those trying to get pregnant, is:

• Get you out of your busy head, for a period of time.
• Calm your body, that is constantly being poked, prodded, measured and analyzed (if you are doing fertility treatments).
• Allow you to think about things differently, without outside pressure.
• Help you let go of trying to control everything and let the narrator’s voice guide you.

Circle + Bloom specializes in women’s health, especially fertility and pregnancy. If you are struggling with infertility, they have many other fertility related, mind-body programs. Since I am no longer trying to have children, I wanted to review a couple that would apply to my own life. However, if you are looking to add something into your routine, their programs would be something for you to try. They would allow you to handle the stress you have while also making you look at what is making you stressed, to see if it needs tweaking. Please email me any questions you might have about my experience with these two programs or the mind-body connection. It is a wonderful way to add something to your life that will relieve stress and pressure, instead of increasing it. Any small amount of meditation added to your daily life can lead to limitless positive changes.

 

Lenore Pranzo is a CT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group, LLC. Fertility Wellness Group, LLC offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops and private coaching sessions that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles, which will lead to positive endings. You can learn more about Lenore and Fertility Wellness Group, LLC at http://www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com.

Make infertility powerless!

Written by Lenore Pranzo

This week I have been thinking how I need to write more short notes and not stress about writing fantastic, lengthy blogs filled with wonderful insight and epiphanies. With that realization, I thought I would write about my goal for all women on the fertility road. I have always been amazed at how many women are affected by fertility issues. What really amazes me is the endurance and perseverance that women possess on this road. It is rare that one has their hopes up on a regular basis only to be let down, in such a profound way, a few weeks later. However, this roller coaster, with its amazing highs and super lows, is just not normal. Or at least, not normal among the general population.  Is it possible to change that roller coaster into more of a kiddie ride? I think so.

For those who are visual, like me, I tend to look at it like this:

The highs get lower and the lows look harder to turn around. This constant cycle makes the person more vulnerable for depression and sickness. However, what if, in some way a person could change this and make the lows less low and easier to come out of? It could then look something like this:

One would have more power over the situation.  It would allow a person to make decisions easier, and create a sense of power.  One way to do this is change the language used when talking about fertility issues. Instead of “I am infertile” one could say “Infertility is something I am dealing with.” This takes the problem outside of oneself and makes it much easier to deal with.

This is something we, at Fertility Wellness Group LLC, help women with. We use the writing/journaling process to gently guide the participants down a different path. The participants use the writing to get out the issues which have been brought up during the process. Not just the bad, but the good as well. Then they look at their situation differently, leading to goal setting and small life changes. It’s the small changes that make people stronger.  The small changes tend to stick.  The process allows women to realize that they are so much more than women dealing with trying to get and stay pregnant.   This perspective allows for more positive things to come into their lives. That is my wish for all.

Lenore Pranzo is a CT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group, LLC. Fertility Wellness Group, LLC offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops and private coaching sessions that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles, which will lead to positive endings. You can learn more about Lenore and Fertility Wellness Group, LLC at http://www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com.

Should I take the summer off?

Written by Lenore Pranzo

A week into summer and, as I am starting to enjoy the idea of fewer scheduled activities, I remember what it was like to begin the summer during my fertility journey years.  It was always a dilemma.  “Should I slow down and relax?” or “Should I dive into another cycle, medication or natural?”  Knowing that feeling, that if I wasn’t doing something to try and get pregnant, then I would think it was a waste of time.  I wonder how many are considering taking the summer off, yet are so wrapped up in the timeline, they are worried they might miss an opportunity to start another cycle.

How can someone really embrace the power of the slow-paced summer or any time off, for that matter?  As I was discussing this with our on-line group recently, I realized it needs to be a goal.  Making it a goal, as part of the fertility journey and one that will enhance your chances, should make it more palatable.  So get out a piece of paper or your laptop and write down that goal.   Here is an example:

Goal: Take the summer off from trying to get pregnant.

Step 1: Discuss with partner that I am taking a break and discuss any disagreement with the notion that this will help our end goal.

Step 2: Make quick list of activities that I have been putting off for fertility.

Step 3: Schedule one activity in my calendar.

Step 4: Continue to schedule that activity for rest of “break” time frame, if it is enjoyable.

Step 5: Remember when thoughts come up about trying to get pregnant, tell myself that I am on a break and that this break is part of the process.

Making that break a part of your fertility plan might be the key to really enjoying yourself and your partner again.  This will give you time to reconnect with who you are and who you are in your relationship.  Use whatever you can to remind yourself that this break is important and is helping you obtain your goal of growing your family (examples: sticky notes everywhere, a new bracelet that anchors you to that or a nightly journal where you write it at the top of the page).  Here’s to a summer filled with new discoveries.

Lenore Pranzo is a CT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Fertility Wellness Group offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles which will lead to positive endings.  You can learn more about them at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com.

At Father’s Day, what about the men? Are they lost in the fertility story?

Fertility Wellness Group has been participating in a Father’s Day Bounce Around Blog event this week, run by Lori Shandle-Fox @ Laughing Is Conceivable.  The blog below was featured on her site.   For other stories to help teach and inspire women and men struggling with infertility this Father’s Day, check out the link to Ms. Shandle-Fox’s website.

By Diana Palmentiero & Lenore Pranzo

Does anyone really think about the men?  I mean, it’s not like they are going to carry the baby around for 9 months when a couple finally does conceive.  Even on the day the baby is born, most people ask how the mother and baby are doing.   Does anyone ask, “How is the daddy doing?”  Be honest, not really.

However, it does sound selfish not to think of the men when a couple is having fertility struggles.   He’s not just a sperm donor.   So I decided to ask my own husband how he felt while we were having fertility struggles, especially around Father’s Day.  We were lucky in that he only went through one Father’s Day as part of a couple that was not able to have a baby.  At that point, his sister was 8 months pregnant with the first grandchild in the family.  It was totally unexpected.  As the oldest child and the first sibling in his family to be married, everyone expected us to have the first grandchild.   So it wouldn’t have been surprising if he was having difficulties that Father’s Day.  He told me it was okay because, except for fertility issues, life was good for us.  We had jobs, owned our own home and were getting ready for a vacation trip to Turks and Caicos.   So I wondered, how did he cope with everything?  His way was to avoid thinking about his feelings.  He agreed that there probably could have been a better way.  However, he did say that he mostly tried to focus on me.   Was he affected by all the annoying questions, especially from family members who were trying to understand why his wife wasn’t pregnant yet?   He said that he tried to shelter me from all the questions.  Was there a way to feel less helpless in the fertility journey?  He didn’t think so.  He felt that men, including him, feel helpless because they can’t help their wives.

Women, one piece of advice from my own experience, is that I should have listened to my husband.  We went through a couple of miscarriages before our daughter was born and again, before our son was born.  His advice was simple.  The body knows what it is doing.  The babies that were not making it were not healthy babies.   The body simply rejected them.  And the two that did become our daughter and son are healthy, beautiful children.  Years later, I learned that.  If only I had listened back then.  (And boy, do I hate that this will be in writing for him to see.)   I think this simple, straightforward thinking was probably what got him through the fertility struggles.   If I had listened, it would have made my fertility struggle a little less painful.   But things happen for a reason.  Maybe it took me longer to realize so that I could write this article and share it with everyone that reads it.   So I hope that this Father’s Day your fertility struggle may become a little less painful, whether you are trying to become a mother or a father.

Great advice, Diana.  And thanks again for being so honest and open about your history.  Now I (Lenore here) have some helpful advice for the men reading this to help them through.  When we started writing this piece we asked our husbands to think back to when we were struggling to get and stay pregnant and answer these questions:

• How did you cope?
• Could you have coped better then you did?
• Did you really need support especially around Father’s day?
• Were you affected by all the annoying questions?
• How could you have felt less helpless in the journey?

The answers we got were, basically they just felt helpless most of the time and frustrated with the process and what it did to us, their wives.   Men tend to want to problem solve and don’t usually get as caught up in the process as women.  Yet, they are affected by their partner’s pain.  Let’s see if we can help minimize that helplessness and frustration for the men.

Ok, I am now writing for the guys out there.  You can do this by asking your partner what they need. This will enable you to support your partner the way they need to be supported.  This will cut back on the frustration of not knowing what to say or do.  The timing, however, is tremendously critical.  Asking your partner what they need when they are in the middle of a crazy IVF cycle will blow up in your face. Doing it before a cycle or on a break is ideal!  Sit down with your partner and tell them that you love them and want to help them.  Ask questions like:

• What part of the cycle is hardest for you?
• What helps when you are feeling bad?
• What can I do more or less of during that highly stressful time?
• What words trigger your emotions the most that I shouldn’t say?
• Is there anyone in my family or yours that you would like me to let know that it is time to back off (in a nice way, of course)?
• Is there a time when you feel I am not listening to you?  And what do I say  or do that makes you think this?
• When should we reconnect and go over our thoughts and concerns again?  A month, two months?
• When should we get more support from a therapist or group?  When this plan doesn’t work?  When I see you in too much pain and unable to function in daily activities?

Write down her answers as this shows an amazing amount of concern and commitment.  Post it on the refrigerator or wherever you will see it easily when you need it.  Change the “plan” as things don’t work.  This “plan” will alleviate stress for you and your partner.  Don’t let another cycle go by where you and your partner are barely able to talk without arguing.  Try not to get caught in that helplessness and share the process with your partner.  Working together now will make you great partners when you expand your family.

Diana Palmentiero is a Certified Wellness Coach and a co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Lenore Pranzo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Their on-line fertility enhancing workshops help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles which will eventually lead to positive endings.  You can learn more about them at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com

Herbal teas for fertility are NOT your mother’s chamomile

Written by Diana Palmentiero

It’s been over 6 years now but every once in awhile, someone will remember that I had problems conceiving.  And if that someone knows someone who is having fertility issues, who do they contact for advice?  Me!  Usually they remember that I used “acupuncture and herbal teas” to help conceive my children.  However, they usually forget that the herbal teas I used were not the kind that you can buy in a local supermarket.   I often wished that they were those teas.  The ones I used did not smell or taste very good, at all.   Compared to using fertility drugs which made me feel like I had PMS 24/7, I would recommend these awful teas, along with acupuncture, to everyone with fertility problems.

The teas I used were prescribed by an acupuncturist with years of experience.  My first acupuncturist, Michael Berkley, would prescribe herbal teas from a pharmacy in Chinatown, Kamwo.  These teas were vacuum packed at the pharmacy and then sent to my office in mid-town Manhattan.   I am not sure what my mailroom thought about the big boxes that they were dropping off in my office.   To heat them up, I would drop the packs into a cup of hot water and let them heat up for a few minutes.  After that, I would pour the tea into the mug.   The smells that would come from my office were not the most pleasant.  If I haven’t said, “Thanks” to my fellow officemates for putting up with the smell, I am going on record now.

The next time I tried to get pregnant, I had the same fertility issues.  Once again, I turned to acupuncture and herbal teas to help my body become ready for pregnancy and stay pregnant.   This time the acupuncturist that I saw, Yaron Seidman, was the acupuncturist and pharmacist, all in one.  At the end of my acupuncture session, I would leave with a bag of teas which I would brew at home in a big, ugly pot.  And now for my second apology, to my family for putting up with the smell of those teas.

Recently, Mike Berkley wrote an open letter which he posted to Facebook and his blog at The Berkley Center to Reproductive Endocrinologists (“REs”).  In part the letter basically asked that REs have an open mind before suggesting to their clients not to take herbal teas while trying to conceive.  My belief is that the Chinese people must be doing something right if there are over 1 billion people in China and they have been using them for thousands of years.   These teas have almost no negative effect on the babies that are being born.  Has anyone noticed the increase in the rates of autism over the last 20-30 years?  To me, it seems to be in correlation to the increased use of fertility drugs in the last 20-30 years.  Coincidence?  It certainly makes me wonder about it.   I’m so glad that both of my children were conceived with the help of acupuncture and herbal teas.  So when people ask about the acupuncture and herbal teas, I tell them this.  The teas may have smelled and tasted awful but the end result was totally worth it.

Diana Palmentiero is a Certified Wellness Coach and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Fertility Wellness group offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles which will lead to positive endings.  You can learn more about them at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com/workshopinfo.

To write or not to write! That is the question. We have the answer.

By Diana Palmentiero and Lenore Pranzo

Recently Fertility Wellness Group had an epiphany. We decided to change the format from leading support groups for women who were having fertility issues to helping women write their fertility stories. We would still be there every step of the way supporting women as they blogged/journaled/chronicled their fertility journey. The focus, however, would be on getting everyone’s individual story out in a nurturing environment.

Shortly after our epiphany, we began blogging about our own fertility journeys, albeit, after the journeys had ended. We wanted to inspire women to realize that they are going on these journeys for a reason. What that reason is may not be known at the present time. We also wanted to give them hope that their journeys would lead to positive endings, even though it did not seem like it now.

As we sit and write our blogs, we often say “We wish we had been able to do this when we were going through the ups and downs of infertility.” Even though it is 6 years later, the process is still cathartic. There are still emotions that we have not dealt with completely that are being cleansed as we write about them. “The anger of another miscarriage.” “Another month and still no positive line on the stick.” As these words are being typed, the emotions are being put to rest for us. Blogging about our journeys has made us realize that we have gone through a difficult, dark period in our lives and came out of it, better and stronger women. Every woman will come out of it, in one way or another. The idea is to build the strength along the way and realize that you are a stronger person because of it.

The one thing we do not have, that we now wish we did, is an actual blog or journal to remind us of what we went through, how we felt, the changes we were going through, etc. as we were going through the process. It might be interesting for our children to read about it later on. We went through a lot so hopefully they realize what special children they are. And now, how grateful we are that they are part of our lives.

This concept is based on a therapeutic intervention called Narrative Therapy (created by Michael White and David Epson). Narrative Therapy helps people look at their overwhelming problem, external to themselves. This makes the problem the problem, not the person. We believe that once “infertility” is thought of outside of a person then they can create a story that they have more control over. This would:

• Allow “infertility” to seem less overwhelming and more manageable.
• Give the individual a way to see patterns.
• Allow it to be looked at from many angles and the problem solving process can happen.
• Increase the effectiveness of a support group.
• Give the individual the choice of how they would evoke their story (words, photos, drawings, or other means).
• Result in something to continue to analyze and learn from.
• Help create a new game plan.
• Be something to be shared now or many years from now.

The thoughts and feelings that occur when trying to start or expand a family, when it doesn’t happen easily, are vast. Even if we are successful in all areas of our lives, we still believe we are a failure when we cannot do this one thing that is inherent of all women. Another “failed” cycle. Ugh! Our hope is that all of our workshop attendees can turn this thinking around over the 5 weeks, one layer at a time. Ultimately, resulting in a story that one is happy to have created and shared.

Diana Palmentiero is a Certified Wellness Coach and a co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Lenore Pranzo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Their on-line fertility enhancing workshops help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles which will eventually lead to positive endings.  You can learn more about them at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com

Mother’s Day sucks, you say? Well, let’s make it suck a little less.

By Lenore Pranzo

We all know Mother’s Day is creeping up on us and of course, that means a barrage of advertising and promotions to try to capture our hard-earned dollars.  What about those women that are dealing with infertility?  What about not being able to experience pregnancy and birth and becoming a mother?  I remember these thoughts as if it was yesterday.

These thoughts can be very painful that it’s no wonder Mother’s Day is a day that can be unbearable.  My heart breaks all over again when I think about how it would be if I didn’t get my miracles, 6 years ago through IVF after 4 years of treatments.  I thought it would be a subject others may want to read about.  I decided I could give some tips or advice that worked for me and others I know.  So here’s some advice that I wish I had gotten and that might have helped me through years of bad Mother’s Days:

1. Decide what you want to do that day now!

You really need to do what is best for you now, and if it means seeing your own mother or mother-in-law on another day, then do it.  Also, make sure not go to restaurants that have special brunches so you don’t have to watch all the celebrations.  Maybe go for a hike, plant some flowers outdoors, catch up on a book that really gets your mind off of everything, etc.

2. How are you going to tell people?

If this decision about what to do on Mother’s Day might cause “trouble” with family members, then state your wishes ahead of time.  Think about how they may react and consistently give the same message.  “This is what I need to do for my health.”  And remain firm.  Do not get into an argument over whose needs are more important.  State the same message over and over.

3. Think about what else besides Mother’s Day might be hard?

Think about what other situations around this day might make you sad or angry.  Don’t go to the store the day before Mother’s Day or on Mother’s Day and have to deal with all the kids and husbands shopping for the moms in their lives.  Stay away!

4. Reach out!

Your husband or partner might not feel as strongly about Mother’s Day; however, they are a great person to vent your frustration.  Reach out to others who are going through it and commiserate with them.  Also, don’t forget your friends who aren’t experiencing what you are and just express your frustration.  Of course, make sure you tell them what type of support you need from them as they might try to say something to make it better, possibly making it worse.  You could say, for instance, “I am so frustrated and I just need you to listen and tell me you are here for me.”

5. What if it is really unbearable and I can’t eat, sleep, or function?

It may be time to seek professional help.  Support groups are very helpful; however, sometimes you need one-on-one.  You can find fertility mental health professionals at www.resolve.org.  Or you can look up professionals on your insurance and call a few to find one that does specialize in fertility issues.  You will be stronger after you have worked with a mental health professional.

Remember to ride the momentum from National Infertility Awareness Week (“NIAW”).  If we learned anything from NIAW is that we shouldn’t be silent!  Check out blogs that strike a chord, start your own or just journal.   Diana and I are starting new workshops now to enhance this blogging/journaling experience.  Check out our website at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com/workshopinfo/ for more information.  We would love to help you on your path to parenthood.

Lenore Pranzo is a CT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Fertility Wellness Group offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles which will lead to positive endings.  You can learn more about them at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com.