Should I take the summer off?

Written by Lenore Pranzo

A week into summer and, as I am starting to enjoy the idea of fewer scheduled activities, I remember what it was like to begin the summer during my fertility journey years.  It was always a dilemma.  “Should I slow down and relax?” or “Should I dive into another cycle, medication or natural?”  Knowing that feeling, that if I wasn’t doing something to try and get pregnant, then I would think it was a waste of time.  I wonder how many are considering taking the summer off, yet are so wrapped up in the timeline, they are worried they might miss an opportunity to start another cycle.

How can someone really embrace the power of the slow-paced summer or any time off, for that matter?  As I was discussing this with our on-line group recently, I realized it needs to be a goal.  Making it a goal, as part of the fertility journey and one that will enhance your chances, should make it more palatable.  So get out a piece of paper or your laptop and write down that goal.   Here is an example:

Goal: Take the summer off from trying to get pregnant.

Step 1: Discuss with partner that I am taking a break and discuss any disagreement with the notion that this will help our end goal.

Step 2: Make quick list of activities that I have been putting off for fertility.

Step 3: Schedule one activity in my calendar.

Step 4: Continue to schedule that activity for rest of “break” time frame, if it is enjoyable.

Step 5: Remember when thoughts come up about trying to get pregnant, tell myself that I am on a break and that this break is part of the process.

Making that break a part of your fertility plan might be the key to really enjoying yourself and your partner again.  This will give you time to reconnect with who you are and who you are in your relationship.  Use whatever you can to remind yourself that this break is important and is helping you obtain your goal of growing your family (examples: sticky notes everywhere, a new bracelet that anchors you to that or a nightly journal where you write it at the top of the page).  Here’s to a summer filled with new discoveries.

Lenore Pranzo is a CT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Fertility Wellness Group offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles which will lead to positive endings.  You can learn more about them at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com.

Mother’s Day sucks, you say? Well, let’s make it suck a little less.

By Lenore Pranzo

We all know Mother’s Day is creeping up on us and of course, that means a barrage of advertising and promotions to try to capture our hard-earned dollars.  What about those women that are dealing with infertility?  What about not being able to experience pregnancy and birth and becoming a mother?  I remember these thoughts as if it was yesterday.

These thoughts can be very painful that it’s no wonder Mother’s Day is a day that can be unbearable.  My heart breaks all over again when I think about how it would be if I didn’t get my miracles, 6 years ago through IVF after 4 years of treatments.  I thought it would be a subject others may want to read about.  I decided I could give some tips or advice that worked for me and others I know.  So here’s some advice that I wish I had gotten and that might have helped me through years of bad Mother’s Days:

1. Decide what you want to do that day now!

You really need to do what is best for you now, and if it means seeing your own mother or mother-in-law on another day, then do it.  Also, make sure not go to restaurants that have special brunches so you don’t have to watch all the celebrations.  Maybe go for a hike, plant some flowers outdoors, catch up on a book that really gets your mind off of everything, etc.

2. How are you going to tell people?

If this decision about what to do on Mother’s Day might cause “trouble” with family members, then state your wishes ahead of time.  Think about how they may react and consistently give the same message.  “This is what I need to do for my health.”  And remain firm.  Do not get into an argument over whose needs are more important.  State the same message over and over.

3. Think about what else besides Mother’s Day might be hard?

Think about what other situations around this day might make you sad or angry.  Don’t go to the store the day before Mother’s Day or on Mother’s Day and have to deal with all the kids and husbands shopping for the moms in their lives.  Stay away!

4. Reach out!

Your husband or partner might not feel as strongly about Mother’s Day; however, they are a great person to vent your frustration.  Reach out to others who are going through it and commiserate with them.  Also, don’t forget your friends who aren’t experiencing what you are and just express your frustration.  Of course, make sure you tell them what type of support you need from them as they might try to say something to make it better, possibly making it worse.  You could say, for instance, “I am so frustrated and I just need you to listen and tell me you are here for me.”

5. What if it is really unbearable and I can’t eat, sleep, or function?

It may be time to seek professional help.  Support groups are very helpful; however, sometimes you need one-on-one.  You can find fertility mental health professionals at www.resolve.org.  Or you can look up professionals on your insurance and call a few to find one that does specialize in fertility issues.  You will be stronger after you have worked with a mental health professional.

Remember to ride the momentum from National Infertility Awareness Week (“NIAW”).  If we learned anything from NIAW is that we shouldn’t be silent!  Check out blogs that strike a chord, start your own or just journal.   Diana and I are starting new workshops now to enhance this blogging/journaling experience.  Check out our website at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com/workshopinfo/ for more information.  We would love to help you on your path to parenthood.

Lenore Pranzo is a CT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of Fertility Wellness Group.  Fertility Wellness Group offers on-line fertility enhancing workshops that will help empower women to write about their own fertility struggles which will lead to positive endings.  You can learn more about them at www.fertilitywellnessgroup.com.